Choking your partner during sex is a sensitive and somewhat controversial topic. It’s often something we see in porn and think we can easily recreate it in our own bedrooms. However, choking is an extremely risky move to pull during sex, especially if you’re not fully educated on the topic. Here are some do’s and don’ts to keep in mind.

DO

DO talk about it beforehand. Never choke someone without prior consent and a full discussion. Choking someone out of the blue is a big no-no and quite frankly, dangerous behavior. It doesn’t matter if you think they’ll enjoy it or not. You also should discuss the type of play or mood that will go along with the choking – will it be playful, domineering, or even pretend-scary? These are all things to bring up before you’re in the heat of the moment. Before you talk to your partner you can also check out BDSMChat’s choking sex chat room and forum see if anyone there has somc advice for a beginner. 

DON’T

DON’T apply pressure to the front of the neck. Doing this could crush and damage the windpipe and lead to serious injury. If your partner is unable to speak while you’re choking them, you are not doing it correctly. Your partner must be able to speak.

DO

DO focus on the sides of the neck, where the carotid artery runs. Apply pressure here, below the jawline, with your grip more towards the ears than the chin. It helps to study the anatomy of the neck before jumping into any sort of choking in the bed.

DON’T

DON’T go in full force. Be gentle. Go slow. Watch your partner for signs of panic or distress. As the person doing the choking, you have a responsibility to take caution, be mindful, and use common sense, regardless of how horny you might be. Never try to move or lift your partner by their throat.

DO

DO have a safe word or safe action. As mentioned, your partner should be able to speak while being choked. However, should it be that they cannot, you need to have an action in place that, when done, will indicate you need to stop choking immediately. One example could be shaking their head “no” rapidly. You could also choose a “tap out” motion.

DON’T

DON’T be under the influence. Choking with a clear mind is a must. Even if you think you’ll be able to choke your partner properly and safely after a couple of drinks, don’t try it. It’s far too easy to cross boundaries or act in ways that you normally might not (such as choking too roughly), which could lead to serious risks.

DO

DO talk about it after. Remember that not everyone is going to enjoy being choked. Some people might think they like it until they’ve tried it, and that’s okay. While choking can be an enjoyable kink, you might be able to replicate those same feelings of power play with other fun acts that involve less risk. Read up on proper aftercare for bdsm sex.