The term “dom/sub” relates to the relationship dynamic between a dominant and a submissive. “Dominants” are the parties in the relationship that enjoy utilizing control and who enjoy dominating their partners which are called “submissives” who take enjoyment in serving their doms and being sexually submissive to their partner. This entire relationship therefore hinges on the powerplay between two or more people and the submission of some parties against others, typically combined with a set of rules, guidelines, punishments and forms of discipline. While the dominant/submissive relationship can often be utilized only during sexual encounters, many couples enjoy the power dynamic to remain steadfast in their day-to-day life, finding it not a role to play when turned on, but instead an important and steadfast element of their identity and sense of self. Daddy Dom / Little Girl (DDLG) is a popular take on D&S relationships. Dom/sub relationships are themselves a form of kink that exist within the BDSM umbrella, and is a popular form of kink enjoyed within the community, one of the more popular forms of kink found on online chat sites and D&s forums like ours. As BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, both means of sexual play can also be utilized in dominant and submissive relationships, often as a means of a dominant training their submissive to act and serve them in a way that pleases the dominant.
When we think of a D/S relationship, we think of what we have seen in E.L. James’ film and book franchise ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, but this is only a limited view of what such a relationship can be. Many D/S relationships are actually never enjoyed physically in person, and instead are undertaken via the internet and technology. There are a wide array of online chat forums and websites (such as Fetlife as an example) which help connect submissive and dominants to be able to enjoy their relationship online. Many utilize phone calls, face times, and sending and receiving pictures on chat forums and texts as a means of enjoying their relationship, often being able to enjoy a level of anonymity that focuses on safety and their being able to enjoy their normal lives without having to stop enjoying their voracious sexual life too. Within these relationships, it is important that while the submissive serves the dominant, that the guidelines and restrictions of the relationship are discussed at length and enjoyed by both, meaning that the power exchange within these relationships is individualistic to each couple and up to discussion. Therefore, not every D/S relationship is the same.
WHERE DID D&S COME FROM
The giving and taking of pleasure within sex has long been understood to be an integral form of humankind for as far back as ancient Egyptian times (as seen in early songs about a man sexually subjugating himself to a woman). The notion of surrendering and dominating others is central to our existence and experience as human beings, seen even in the way that humans utilize and enjoy war and the different violent games that the politics of war ensues. However, the term ‘BDSM’ and the fixed definition of dominant and submissive sexual partners didn’t come to fruition until the early 18th century, particularly coming to light in literature and illustrations made for pornographic purposes.
In opposition with the definitions of dominant and submissive individuals, in recent years there has also been a rise in the definition of non-kinky people and sexual activities as “vanilla”. While there is often a connotation with this as meaning “boring” for some people (originating from the idea that vanilla ice-cream is the standard flavor and therefore boring by nature), for many it simply represents a non-kinky relationship or sexual escapade.
ENJOYING YOUR ROLE
As previously stated, dominant and submissive relationships are entirely individualistic and therefore depend on the people enjoying them. Some D/S relationships are monogamous, held only between two people whether in public or in private, but it isn’t unusual for D/S relationships to also be polyamorous, with some individuals being submissive to some and dominant to others. Romantic attachments are common is D/S relationships but they certainly aren’t required, for some kinky relationships are merely a way of enjoying sexuality, whereas for others they are everything a vanilla relationship represents with just a different sexual power dynamic involved too. It is even possible that no physical sex is actually enjoyed within a D/S relationship, whether due to personal preference in person or due to the relationship being enjoyed online.
While every D/S relationship is different, it is typical that limits, rules and needs are discussed in advance. While the dominant requires their submissive to serve them and live in a manner that pleases them, in order for consent to be thoroughly utilized, these decisions over limits and rules tend to be a discussion and a negotiation, with sacrifices made along the way by both parties for the mutual satisfaction of a relationship that works for the both of them. It can also be understood that most D/S relationships use the same language in order to enjoy their relationship on chat forums and in person, utilizing the term “play” to describe their sexual activities. While “dominant” and “submissive” are understood terms within the scene, being a “switch” is also widely understood and recognized and has come to mean someone who likes to act both as a dominant and a submissive depending on their mood and play partner. Ultimately, the main exchange within a D/S relationship is the power exchange between the individuals, often to do with control, humiliation and service. This power exchange is consensual and desired by both figures, though pushing against guidelines for the sake of acting bratty and wishing to receive discipline and punishments doesn’t negate consent, but instead is merely another way to enjoy the dynamic. The terms “top” and “bottom” are also employed not only in D/S relationships but also vanilla relationships too, particularly that of gay relationships. To be a “bottom” is typically to be the one receiving sex, whether oral, or penetrative etc., whereas to be the “top” is to be the one giving.
In order to enjoy D/S relationships, many people merely bring elements into their own relationship, such as sex toys, costumes or role play, but some who have the means and are more committed to the power dynamic will often design and have a special room or space in their home called a “dungeon” or a “playroom.” In here can be found a variety of sex toys, outfits, furniture and contraptions such as handcuffs, whips, spreader bars etc. to be utilized within the D/S playtime. There are also BDSM clubs which cater for these same resources for couples or individuals to go to enjoy such play without having to own anything themselves. This is often a great resource for those wanting to keep their sexual and largely personal lives in private from each other for the sake of their privacy. In an article called “Im Submissive, Not a Doormat” (An old blog post but a good one) the author talks about the desire to share his fetish with friends. However their stereotypic comments about masculinity always kept him from divulging how much he loved being a submissive.
If you’ve checked-out our chat room and forum looking to find a partner for your D&s adventures and still haven’t found the right person you might want to consider giving FetLife a try. It’s a very popular social network for the BDSM community.
Dom / sub PORN
If you’re looking for Dom / sub porn (D&s Porn) you should check out our Fetish Porn Links page. There you’ll find porn vids on your favorite sexual kink. Tube videos of all kinds of D&s relationships. Whatever type of dominant or submissive porn you’re into, you’ll find a great free porn site for it there.