The term “dom/sub” relates to the relationship dynamic between a dominant and a submissive. “Dominants” are the parties in the relationship that enjoy utilizing control and dominating their partners. They are called “submissives” who want to serve their doms and be sexually submissive to their partner. This entire relationship, therefore, hinges on the powerplay between two or more people and the submission of some parties against others, typically combined with a set of rules, guidelines, punishments, and forms of discipline. While the dominant/submissive relationship can often be utilized only during sexual encounters, many couples enjoy the power dynamic to remain steadfast in their day-to-day life, finding it not a role to play when turned on but an essential and valid element of their identity and sense of self. Daddy Dom / Little Girl (DDLG) is a popular take on D&S relationships. Dom/sub relationships are a form of kink within the BDSM umbrella and are a popular form of kink enjoyed within the community, one of the more popular forms of kink found on online chat sites and D&s forums like ours. As BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, both means of sexual play can also be utilized in dominant and submissive relationships, often as a means of a dominant training their submissive to act and serve them in a way that pleases the dominant.
When we think of a D/S relationship, we think of what we have seen in E.L. James’ film and book franchise ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ but this is a limited view of what such a relationship can be. Many D/S relationships are never physically enjoyed in person but undertaken via the internet and technology. A wide array of online chat forums and websites (such as Fetlife) help connect submissives and dominants to enjoy their relationship online. Many utilize phone calls, face times, and sending and receiving pictures on chat forums and texts to enjoy their relationship, often enjoying a level of anonymity that focuses on safety. They can enjoy their everyday lives without having to stop enjoying their voracious sexual life. Within these relationships, it is essential that while the submissive serves the dominant, the relationship’s guidelines and restrictions are discussed at length and enjoyed by both, meaning that the power exchange within these relationships is individualistic to each couple and up to discussion. Therefore, not every D/S relationship is the same.
WHERE DID D&S COME FROM
The giving and taking of pleasure within sex has long been understood to be a necessary form of humankind since ancient Egyptian times (as seen in early songs about a man sexually subjugating himself to a woman). The notion of surrendering and dominating others is central to our existence and experience as human beings, seen even in how humans utilize and enjoy war and the different violent games in which the politics of war ensues. However, the term ‘BDSM’ and the fixed definition of dominant and submissive sexual partners didn’t come to fruition until the early 18th century, mainly coming to light in literature and illustrations made for pornographic purposes.
In opposition to the definitions of dominant and submissive individuals, in recent years, there has also been a rise in the description of non-kinky people and sexual activities as “vanilla.” While there is often a connotation with this as “boring” for some people (originating from the idea that vanilla ice cream is the classic flavor and therefore boring by nature), for many, it simply represents a non-kinky relationship or sexual escapade.
ENJOYING YOUR ROLE
As previously stated, dominant and submissive relationships are entirely individualistic and depend on the people enjoying them. Some D/S relationships are monogamous, held only between two people, whether in public or in private. Still, it isn’t unusual for D/S relationships to also be polyamorous, with some individuals being submissive to some and dominant to others. Romantic attachments are standard is D/S relationships, but they certainly aren’t required; for some, kink relationships are merely a way of enjoying sexuality, whereas for others, they are everything a vanilla relationship represents, with just a different sexual power dynamic involved too. It is even possible that no physical sex is actually enjoyed within a D/S relationship, whether due to personal preference in person or the relationship being enjoyed online.
While every D/S relationship is different, it is typical that limits, rules, and needs are discussed in advance. While the dominant requires their submissive to serve them and live in a manner that pleases them in order for consent to be thoroughly utilized, these decisions over limits and rules tend to be a discussion and a negotiation, with sacrifices made along the way by both parties for the mutual satisfaction of a relationship that works for the both of them. It can also be understood that most D/S relationships use the same language to enjoy their relationship on chat forums and in person, utilizing the term “play” to describe their sexual activities. While “dominant” and “submissive” are understood terms within the scene, being a “switch” is also widely understood and recognized and has come to mean someone who likes to act both as a dominant and a submissive depending on their mood and play partner. Ultimately, the leading exchange within a D/S relationship is the power exchange between the individuals, often concerning control, humiliation, and service. This power exchange is consensual and desired by both figures. However, pushing against guidelines for the sake of acting bratty and wishing to receive discipline and punishment doesn’t negate consent but instead is merely another way to enjoy the dynamic. The terms “top” and “bottom” are employed not only in D/S relationships but also in vanilla relationships, particularly in gay relationships. To be a “bottom” is typically to be the one receiving sex, whether oral or penetrative, whereas to be the “top” is to be the one giving.
To enjoy D/S relationships, many people merely bring elements into their own relationships, such as sex toys, costumes, or role-play, but some who have the means and are more committed to the power dynamic will often design and have a particular room or space in their home called a “dungeon” or a “playroom.” Here can be found a variety of sex toys, outfits, furniture, and gadgets, such as handcuffs, whips, spreader bars, etc., to be utilized within the D/S playtime. There are also BDSM clubs that cater to these same resources for couples or individuals to enjoy such play without having to own anything themselves. This is often an excellent resource for those wanting to keep their sexual and primarily personal lives private from each other for their privacy. In an article called “Im Submissive, Not a Doormat” (An old blog post but a good one), the author discusses the desire to share his fetish with friends. However, their stereotypic comments about masculinity kept him from divulging how much he loved being a submissive.
If you’ve checked out our chat room and forum looking to find a partner for your D&s adventures and still haven’t found the right person, you might want to consider trying FetLife a try. It’s a viral social network for the BDSM community.
Dom / sub PORN
If you’re looking for Dom / sub porn (D&s Porn) you should check out our Fetish Porn Links page. There you’ll find porn vids on your favorite sexual kink. Tube videos of all kinds of D&s relationships. Whatever type of dominant or submissive porn you’re into, you’ll find a great free porn site for it there.